Archive for Wednesday, November 17, 1999

Warm hands and feet are worth their weight in cold gold

November 17, 1999

As far as I'm concerned, there are two kinds of people in this world. There are those who like warm weather, and those who, for some reason, are cold-blooded creatures who actually enjoy the cold.

I don't mean to be critical or judgmental. I don't like to bring up the subject of evolution these days, given the controversy it evokes, but I can't help wondering if some folks didn't fall off the tree into an icy pond in the process of (supposedly) becoming warm-blooded creatures.

Just walk into any office and look around you. You'll find the normal people, who like warm air, sitting huddled in corners wearing two or three layers of clothing and looking like stuffed animals of some kind.

I think my kind of people are normal, but they don't ever seem to get to control the thermostats and thus must dress, year-round, like the homeless who wear all their belongings on their backs. It makes it difficult to look stylish, professional or sophisticated in the workplace when you are dressing to maintain critical body temperatures and you have the odd flannel pj sleeve sticking out of your sweater.

The normal people who freeze have space-heaters at their feet and electric heat pads on their chairs. Skirts, dresses, nylon stockings? Not on your life. Sweaters and warm socks are for year-round. Their hands and noses are cold to the touch. Shivering is an everyday activity.

This is a sad thing because it goes on in the summer thanks to air conditioning, as well as in the winter, thanks to people who don't know a thermostat should be set at about 74 degrees and left there.

The cold-blooded among us get to wear short sleeves in the summer and maybe even single layers of clothing in the winter. They don't have to constantly carry tissues for runny noses brought on by cold air. They seem smug, to me, with just the tiniest air of superiority because they can be warm when I can't approach the right body temperature no matter what I do.

Have you ever shaken hands with a normal person who is anywhere outside the warmth and security of their own home? I always hate to shake hands with people because I know I'm going to catch that little grimace on the other guy's face when he feels like he's just grasped a cold, dead fish. Oh well. If people kept things warm. . .

Those cold-blooded people can enjoy a cold beverage over ice, while the rest of us know that if we do, we'll end up purple and shivering all day. Blue lips are popular among some younger people, I know, but I just don't think they make the right statement. They do match my purple fingernails, however.

Like a child I spend too much time imagining my perfect place. That perfect place changes from time to time, depending on what is annoying or pleasing me at the moment. But I can assure you, one thing that never changes is the temperature. My imaginary perfect place is always warm.

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