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Social Stew: It’s not just cold out; it’s freezing

By Marcia Mcfarlane - | Jan 31, 2007

It seems silly to write about the weather here in northeastern Kansas. By the time my opinion makes its way into print, most surely the weather will have changed.

At the time of this writing, for instance, I am sitting at my computer, bundled up, teacup in hand, working to an eerie soundtrack of ice-covered branches cracking outside my office window and salt trucks plowing through the neighborhood. But it is likely that readers perusing today’s paper will do so out on their decks, wearing cargo shorts and sandals.

I just have to say something about the weather, though, especially since it was recently announced that 2006 marked the warmest year ever in the history of the planet — ever. And while meteorologists, ecologists and Al Gore followers lament this phenomenon and grapple with the effects of global warming and El Niño, I am secretly, and somewhat guiltily, celebrating.

Here is my opinion in a nutshell: cold weather stinks.

My disdain for subfreezing temperatures dates to my childhood, when my siblings and I would, on a winter’s morning, huddle around the propane floor furnace, as if it were a campfire. There we would wait, sipping hot cocoa, until it was time to don our winter layers and trudge outside to wait for the school bus.

I still am bearing a grudge from 1962 against my first-grade teacher, who strictly adhered to the dress code preventing girls from wearing pants to school. My mother had called her at home on one particularly frigid morning to ask permission to dress me in corduroy slacks. The answer was no, I would be able to wear slacks under my dress to and from school, but once in the classroom, I would have to remove my “snow pants” and hang them with my coat. I vividly recollect joining the other girls clustered near the coat hooks, as we sat in puddles of melted snow, prying our pants off over our shoes.

Now, years later, an aversion to cold weather is still one of my identifying characteristics. And it isn’t something I internalize. A mere glance in my direction reveals that I am at odds with winter. The statically charged hair, red nose, chapped lips, cracked fingers and crabby expression give me away.

Those who know me understand why my picture isn’t on the annual Christmas card. It would be futile, anyway. No one would recognize me under all those layers of clothes.

Every holiday season, I can look forward to receiving a nice supply of winter outerwear. Through the years, I have received gloves from various relatives who believe if your hands are warm, your whole body is warm; down-filled vests from those believing that insulating your vital organs is the key; scarves from my daughter, who believes in making a fashion statement while keeping warm; and stocking hats, of course, because everyone knows that most of your body heat escapes from the top of your head. As long as I am breathing, the manufacturers of fleece and microfiber undergarments will stay in business.

I preheat my car for 20 minutes before leaving home on a cold day. I often make a cup of hot tea just to hold the cup. I sleep under an electric blanket. And yes, I sometimes go for a drive just so I can bask in the blast of the heater turned on high.

Sure, a layer of the frosty white stuff makes for a beautiful holiday photo, and I enjoy an occasional run down the Colorado slopes with my kids. That, however, is where the enchantment ends.

Call me menopausal, crazy or just plain grouchy. But when my ecologist friends ask me to join their cause and “go green,” my answer will be, “I can’t. I’ve already turned blue.”

— Marcia Hallenbeck McFarlane, who grew up in Leavenworth County, now lives in Johnson County. She can be reached via e-mail at mmfiftysix@kc.rr.com.