But I’d rather rub my face on a Persian tabby than have to sit
through “Catwoman” again.

This latest entry to adapt a comic book character to the big screen
functions like the antitheses of “Spider-Man 2.” Whereas that movie
showed how to bring a fresh, original vision to a superhero tale,
“Catwoman” is all visual pizzazz and no substance.

French director Pitof exhibits an approach to filmmaking as
one-dimensional and pretentious as his own name. The commercial
veteran’s frenetic style is never boring, yet even his simplest
scenes are shot and edited like a cross between a cologne ad and a
Jennifer Lopez video.

But there are SOME positives aspects to “Catwoman.”

Take the star’s costume, for example.

While Michelle Pfeiffer already perfected the black leather,
dominatrix-style cat suit in 1992’s “Batman Returns,” it was
uncomfortable enough during filming for her to claim she would never
reprise the role. Watching Halle Berry prancing in a more skin-baring
and less constrictive version of this outfit may seem like it’s worth
the price of admission – and on some rudimentary level, it is. But on
the whole, the get-up has more personality than the movie’s story.

Berry stars as Patience Philips, a shy artist who is working a
thankless 9-to-5 in the graphics department of a mammoth cosmetics
company. The conglomerate is run by George Hedare (Lambert Wilson)
and his supermodel wife Laurel (Sharon Stone), who has just been
replaced as the face of the company’s ad campaign by a younger woman.

When Patience stumbles onto evidence that the corporation’s
soon-to-be-launched anti-aging cream has some horrific side effects,
she is targeted by Hedare’s goon squad.

Left for dead, she is resurrected by ancient forces that give her
cat-like senses and agility. This results in a somewhat split
personality for Patience, who is now diagnosed as “docile yet
aggressive; nurturing yet ferocious.”

Armed with claws and a whip, the feline fatale embarks on a mission
of revenge against the heartless Hedares.

It’s tough to respect some of Berry’s cinematic choices since
deservedly winning a 2001 Oscar for the drama “Monster’s Ball.” Her
contributions to the entertaining James Bond flick “Die Another Day”
and the cool superhero epic “X2: X-Men United” were appreciated. But
then came the dismal thriller “Gothika.”

Now this latest atrocity will undoubtedly be remembered in December
during the Worst Film of the Year lists.

Perhaps its fundamental flaw is that “Catwoman” has absolutely the
lamest origin story ever. The best the four credited writers could
come up with involves Patience drowning and washing up on a
garbage-cluttered riverbank. Here, a roving gang of cats, led by one
who is infused with the power of the ancient Egyptian goddess Bast,
sit on her chest and breathe new life into her.

Then she eventually meets up with a creepy cat lady – is there any
other kind? – who explains that she is one of dozens of catwomen
throughout history to possess this gift.

Good thing a skunk or opossum didn’t find her first.

Adding to the unintentional camp value is Stone’s performance. It’s
already funny that the 46-year-old actress is shot with more soft
focus than Barbara Walters on a “20/20” episode. But the origin of
her secret powers rivals Catwoman’s on the totem pole of stupidity.

Not to give too much away, but let’s just say it’s doubtful that the
FDA would have approved the Hedare’s miracle product, considering
what it does to the flesh. They could have made more money selling
the cream to the military.

What will baffle audiences is how a project like this got green lit
in the first place. I can’t imagine people were clamoring to see the
not-very-popular Catwoman return to the screen when so many great
comic book heroes – Green Lantern, Silver Surfer, Thor, Wonder Woman,
Iron Man – have yet to hit the multiplex.

Obviously, whichever Warner Bros. executive was responsible for the
film is a big fan of cats … or leather.